Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.