WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.