date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
what it’s like dating me:
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all