I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My typo game is string.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo