*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.