Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD