I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
me when I see my crush
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat