Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously