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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Yes, this is exactly right
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My wife gives the best headache.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.