Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
#Caturday
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Is this a threat?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced