Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
You Might Also Like
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”