sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
this is the best day of my life
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN