Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.