Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.