I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
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Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?