*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
my mind
You just read my mind
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Merica.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.