That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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Ah yes. The three genders
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Godspeed, John Glenn
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever