[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
blocked.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My wedding will be open casket.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire