#PleaseGoToChurch ππ
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. π§±
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldnβt we keep them togethβ
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
People will say stuff like βwell at least if WWIII happens I wonβt have to go to workβ¦β I think in your heart you know thatβs not true
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* Iβll go.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them⦠and then the snack requests started.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt