Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
You Might Also Like
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.