Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
This why you should mind your business
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does