A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.