[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A fake ID that makes you younger
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]