House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Isn’t
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.