When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Something Saturday.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…