My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
ouch
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”