Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
You Might Also Like
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
nyc:
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Has science gone too far?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31