If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
You Might Also Like
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit