Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
That lamp looks PISSED.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
my mom making me talk to relatives
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.