My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
girls literally only want one thing..
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.