*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work