thinking about a very short hotdog
You Might Also Like
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.