In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.