“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Meeeee too!