Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
March 16
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.