God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Same post same
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.