It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.