Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
🌱🌱🌱
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”