Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle