Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.