I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
March 16
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
my first day as a raccoon
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.