They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff