A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you