This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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These are too funny not to post 😂
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.