*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.