[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I saw nothing
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.