HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
first you must answer his riddles
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed