Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you’re testing me, we failed.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.