Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up