[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*